Trials and Tribulations

Just like every writer I have had the pleasure to read or hear about… I struggle with writing. So, yesterday my best friend in this whole wide world, my husband said shared something very poignant and quoted Hemingway,

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.”

So, in that very sense, I write this post.

Yes, we blinked and our little girl just turned a year old. 

I don’t know if there’s any other truest statement I can think of at this moment. Time truly flies. And that feeling became overwhelmingly real last Thursday, and in the wee hours, as I stood by her bed, and watched her slowly snoring facing her back to me with her legs tucked in, a miniature me … plain amazed at how this little ‘being’ has made her way into the deepest recesses of our hearts. All I could think of was the joy, and sadness… profound sadness that this little girl has grown, and her newborn days are slowly becoming a memory. It made me sad, and tears rolled by. Maybe it was just the realization that time moves so quickly, or maybe this toddler will be far different than the innocent baby that would lay there hours together without as much as a peep, or just the fact that our own age catches up with us so quickly, and being reminded of my own mortality or maybe just the plain hormones of a mother… I cried, in sheer joy. I thanked the Lord for being ever so grateful to bless us with this child… I spoke to my mother at the other end of this world, with tears flowing… my tears made up for the words that didn’t come out of my mouth. My tears thanked her for all the patience and love, and joy and care she had given unconditionally all these years, and silently apologized for all the mistakes, and sadness I had in turn given her.

Trials and tribulations we all go through as parents, but yet, we would not give up any of it to have it any other way!

Things Past…

…and present.

I have been planning to visit the Memorial Site of the concentration camp for a long time now. It’s funny how I live right here, yet put off the things I want to do for a later time. Today was the D-day, a girl who had found me through my old blog had been in touch with me for a while now, so we finally decided to catch up in person. And it was a nice day to be out, a sad day to see all the history come and smack down at you. I guess, we all are aware of what happened in Dachau but it adds a whole new dimension to actually see it in person, and hear someone explain the barbaric acts of violence. The gory pictures and gruesome details beats you into submission of a mute spectator. “Arbeit macht frei” “Work makes (you) free” A kind of spiritual freedom, Work till you have given it all. The slogan which shares it history with hundreds of thousands of people killed during the Nazi regime. A dim reminder of things past. The documentary film produced, and shown free at the site is a must watch for any of those who visits Dachau.

One thing I completely indulge in when time is plenty, is taking the audio tours where you can walk at a pace you want, and look around. But today, it was a guided tour and I went along. Hey R, if you land on this blog today, big ‘hi’, it was nice meeting you.

And then after that, as I walked back to the station, I caught up with one of the backpackers who’s been traveling around Europe. For me, it is always interesting to see the courage, the confidence and plain who-cares attitude, it was really great catching up with her, getting to know her exhaustive itinerary, and more. Hey JJ, if you land up here, a big ‘hi’ to you too. Look at me, the crazy senile person giving shout outs from this blog! Anyways, on the whole, this long weekend has almost flown by without noticing.

We were off on Thursday and Friday, and last evening, I had my good friend and her husband over for dinner. Yes, in case you asked, Indian food. I think in these times, I can open a small bistro and sell out parathas and pickles the way people, especially Germans, love Indian food. We spent a lot of time chatting about work, colleagues, and plenty of other things over beer and wine. It was time well spent. Okie dokie, I am tired, and want to get back to my reading before I call it a day. Guten Abend!

Of Millionaires…

… and Slumdogs. 

Some times, its funny how unaware people are about the world around them. You really cannot blame them or their life styles, everyone has a right to live the life they wish or the one that makes them happy. Especially when you are born and raised in an affluent country, you just tend to view life, relationships, money in a different way. Yes, there are still so many who venture out, read, travel, see, help, reach out, empathize with others living much different, poorer lives. Thankfully, I have friends from both these mindsets and it is always interesting to see the effects of my lineage has on them. Living in Bavaria, amongst these real simple people, who have big houses, rich living rooms, wonderful coffee machines, huge gardens, and patios to lounge upon on quiet summer afternoons, there is suddenly some commotion of one kind. Call it Slumdog Millionaire. 

Slumdog movie has had varied effects on so many people, and the way they relate to me. Not always nicer or kinder, but a vague acknowledgement that a sadness exists and we are all so lucky to have the life we have now, here. Suddenly, some of my quiet, luxury loving friends are shaken to have seen real slums in Mumbai, though in a movie. “It ain’t a movie set?” “Why does she die?” “Is religion so defining ‘even’ now?” I was having coffee yesterday after my workout, and my friend asked me if I had watched this Oscar movie. I nodded and waited. She was almost teary eyed, “Do these slums really exist?” “Are children really live liking this?” And quietly, she said, she never would have believed that, it would be ‘this’ terrible. We sit there in the bright room, with its red leather upholstered chairs, sipping our expensive cappuccinos, lost in our own thoughts. Different thoughts, worlds apart. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was having ‘Brotzeit’ ‘mid-day brunch’ very popular in Bavaria, with a couple of colleagues. People have a light something between breakfast and lunch everyday, and as we sat there sipping fruit teas and munching some ‘bredzen’ ‘pretzel’, my good friend asked me, “Have you seen that Indian movie?” Who needs a name, right? “Do they really do that to children?” “Take out eyes asking them to beg, and take their money” I nod. And we are all quiet, and go on drinking our teas and munching more. And my friend looks up at me and we both smiled sadly. Quite some long time ago, my Chinese friend watched the movie and commented, “Why are people fighting over the movie in India?” “I don’t know, I really don’t. I watched the movie when it was another unknown something before it became an Oscar frenzied hit!” “People don’t like portraying India as ‘slums’, and calling a ‘dog’ is not ok with them.” ” I thought it was a fantastic movie” He loved the movie. Nothing about the poverty or illiteracy, we both know how it is.  

At the other end however, people directly assume that I come from a very rich family, with tons of money. Every time, they assume that and say it aloud, I feel like smacking them on their back with a pillow. I am not the violent kind, if you hadn’t noticed. My only thought when I encounter this assumption, “Why am I sitting here amongst you all, if I had the luxury and nothing to work for?” Anyways, as I say, there are always people who go beyond to argue their point of view. “You come from a rich family.” “I do?” “You didn’t come from the slum, did you?” I grit my teeth, roll my eyes, and shake my head. Perceptions take so little time to form, but stay long enough to not only make judgements, but also pass them on like flyers for a free concert of a band no one ever heard of.

Watery Days

I haven’t written at all for a while now. I just haven’t been myself, it’s so unlike me to not write. But I have been so out of it for a while now. On the health front, I was knocked off with a small time flu which made me sleep for hours, days and weeks. And getting back to normal wasn’t enough either, I just felt completely drained. I still feel not so good, though I constantly tell myself that I am as fit as I can be at this point. Right now, I am counting days to get back to normal life, I am so ready to move on in life. I feel desperately alone, some times, I am running all around the place, keeping myself busy, writing, reading and all the fun stuff, and suddenly I face this blank question, what am I doing? where am I heading? what next? I really wish I had all the answers at this point. But I don’t. Some times I sit and cry to no end, for no reason what-so-ever, I feel sad about things that have nothing to do with me. Happiness is such a state of mind. I know, this will pass soon too just as time carries us all into the unknown future. 

Otherwise, things have been very quiet. Slowly Spring has rolled in and I see beauty all over again, I need to get my camera out and capture these beautiful blooms. I will. Last evening as I was working a little late, I saw the skies go real dark and eerie, it was almost scary for a few moments and then came the thundering rain, plitter platter became whoom boom sham. Water can do things to me that nothing else can, I love the rain. I love sitting by the window, with a hot mug of tea, watching the drops fall… lost in my own world, in my own thoughts. So, I logged off and came back home to do exactly that. Rain also brings in so many memories, from my college days. Times I would sit by my window, with my dog and watch endlessly. Waiting for my mother, for her hot pakoras (pako’d’as, as we say, in the South) or warm masala bread sandwiches from a bakery nearby… It was a overwhelming thought, and tears ebbed.  Things were just so simple back then. Or, is it still is? I just missed being me some ten years ago, and I felt uncontrollably sad. The only delight was trying to recreate the masala bread sandwich, with Vollkorn (Whole-wheat) bread, it was pretty close in taste and so distant in thought. 

I am sorry, I didn’t come to write about some melodrama, mid-life crisis. LOL. Memories, thoughts, hopes, dreams, isn’t that all life is about?! The sun has completely set now as I sit in my dirty living room, things all strewn around which pretty well surmises the state of my mind. But here’s to better days, sunny thoughts and cleaner homes. Have a great week ahead!

Edit: Thank you all for your concern. I feel as good as I can just now. :)